Creating a Domestic Violence Safety Plan

Deciding to address the violence in your life is an act of immense bravery. Whether you are currently living with an abusive partner, considering leaving, or have already left, your safety is the absolute priority. A domestic violence safety plan is a personalized, practical tool that helps you identify specific actions to lower your risk of hurt.

At Blooming Lilies, we understand that every situation is unique. There is no "right" way to navigate a toxic relationship, but there is a safer way. This guide is designed to help you think through the details you might overlook when you are in "survival mode."

What is a Domestic Violence Safety Plan?

A safety plan is a set of actions that can help lower your risk of being hurt by your partner. It includes vital information such as emergency contacts, a list of safe places, and a breakdown of the items you need to take with you if you decide to leave.

Safety planning is not just about the moment you walk out the door. It is an evolving strategy that covers three main phases:

1. Safety while living with an abuser.
2. Safety when preparing to leave.
3. Safety after you have left.

Remember, you are the expert on your own life. You know your partner’s patterns better than anyone else. Use this guide as a template and adapt it to fit your specific reality.

Safety During an Explosive Incident

Violence often escalates quickly. If an argument seems unavoidable, or if you feel the tension reaching a breaking point, try to move to a "lower risk" area of the home.

• Avoid the Kitchen: Kitchens are dangerous because they contain knives and sharp objects.
• Avoid the Bathroom: Bathrooms often have hard surfaces and lacks multiple exits, making it easy to become trapped.
• Find Rooms with Exits: Try to stay in a room with a window or a door that leads outside.
• Identify a "Code Word": Choose a word or a specific emoji and share it with a trusted friend, neighbor, or your children. Establish that when you use this code, they should call 911 or come to your house immediately.
• Keep Your Phone Charged: Always keep your cell phone on your person and ensure it is fully charged. If you don't have a phone, identify which neighbor you can run to in an emergency.

Preparing to Leave: The "Go Bag"

Leaving a toxic relationship is often the most dangerous time for a survivor. Because of this, safety planning is essential. If you can, begin gathering items slowly and store them in a "Go Bag" hidden at a trusted friend’s house or a secure locker at work.

Essential Documents to Gather

If you have to leave in a hurry, you may not have time to go back for paperwork. Try to secure original or photocopied versions of:

• Identification: Driver’s license, passports, and Social Security cards for you and your children.
• Legal Papers: Birth certificates, marriage licenses, divorce papers, and any existing restraining orders.
• Financial Records: Bank statements, tax returns, and copies of credit cards.
• Health Information: Health insurance cards and a list of current medications for everyone in your care.
• Lease or Deed: Documentation regarding your home or rental agreement.

Physical Items to Pack

• Cash: Start putting aside small amounts of cash. Abusers often track credit card spending to find where a survivor has gone.
• Keys: Spare keys for the car, house, and office.
• Medication: At least a week's supply of necessary prescriptions.
• Sentimental Items: One or two small items that are irreplaceable, such as photos or a piece of jewelry.

Secure Communication and Digital Safety

In the modern age, an abuser can track your location and conversations through technology. Part of your domestic violence safety plan must include digital boundaries.

• Use a Safe Device: If possible, use a computer at a public library or a friend's phone to research resources. Your home computer and phone may have spyware or tracked browser histories.
• Incognito Browsing: If you must use your own device, always use "Private" or "Incognito" mode and clear your history immediately.
• Change Your Passwords: Change passwords for your email, social media, and banking. Do not use birthdays or names that your partner could guess.
• Check Your GPS: Many abusers hide GPS trackers in cars or use "Find My Phone" features to stalk survivors. Turn off location sharing on all apps.
• Get a "burner" phone: If you can afford it, buy a prepaid cell phone and keep it hidden for emergency use only.

Financial Independence and Housing

Abusers often use "financial abuse" to keep you trapped. They may control the bank accounts or prevent you from working so that you have no resources to leave.

Start taking small steps toward independence. Open a new bank account at a completely different bank than the one you share with your partner. Opt for paperless billing and use a friend’s address or a P.O. Box for correspondence.

If you are worried about where you will go, our Relocation Planner can help you organize the logistics of finding a new, safe home. We also offer specialized resources for financial planning to help you rebuild your credit and manage your budget after domestic violence.

Planning for Children and Pets

Your children are likely affected by the tension in the home, even if they haven't been physically harmed.

• Teach them how to get help: Ensure they know how to call 911 but instruct them not to do it if it puts them in immediate danger from the abuser.
• Identify a safe room: Tell them that if a "fight" starts, their job is to go to a specific safe room and stay there until you come to get them.
• School and Daycare: Once you leave, provide your children’s school or daycare with a copy of any protection orders. Give them a photo of the abuser and tell them who is, and isn't, authorized to pick up the children.
• Don't forget pets: Many survivors stay because they fear for their pets. Look for "safe havens" for pets or ask a friend to foster your animal temporarily while you get settled in a shelter or new home.

Safety After You Have Left

The journey doesn't end the moment you walk out the door. Vigilance is required to ensure the abuser cannot find or harass you.

• Change Your Routine: If you always go to the same grocery store at 10:00 AM on Saturdays, change it. Take a different route to work. Go to a different gym.
• Secure Your New Home: If you remain in your home and the abuser is the one who leaves, change the locks immediately. Install motion-sensor lights and consider a security system or a video doorbell.
• Inform Your Employer: Your workplace is a primary location where an abuser might try to find you. Alert security or your HR department so they can screen calls and keep an eye on the parking lot.
• Legal Protection: Consider filing for an Order of Protection or Restraining Order. While it is just a piece of paper, it gives the police the power to arrest the abuser if they come near you. For more help navigating the legal system, check our family court help resources.

Emotional Safety and Healing

Safety isn't just physical; it’s emotional. After years of being told you are worthless or "crazy," you need a plan to protect your mind and heart.

• Establish No Contact: Unless you have children and must co-parent, cut off all communication. Block them on all platforms. If you must communicate about the children, use a court-monitored app.
• Build Your Support System: Reach out to local domestic violence advocates or join a support group. Speaking with others who have walked this path can validate your experience.
• Journaling for Clarity: Abuse often causes "gaslighting," where you lose trust in your own memory. Keeping a journal (in a safe place) can help you process your emotions and document the reality of what you’ve survived. Our Narcissistic Abuse Healing Journal is designed specifically for this purpose.

You Have the Strength to Rebuild

Creating a domestic violence safety plan is a heavy task, and it is okay to feel overwhelmed. Please take a moment to breathe and recognize the strength it took just to read this article.

You deserve to live a life free from fear. You deserve a home that is a sanctuary, not a battlefield. Whether you are just beginning to see the red flags or you are ready to make your move, Blooming Lilies is here to support you with the resources and planners you need to reclaim your independence.

If you are in immediate danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text "START" to 88788. You can also visit our crisis lines page for more specialized contact information.

Take the next step toward your new life today. Visit our workbook collection to find guided tools for healing, or take our DV Assessment to help gain clarity on your current situation. Your future is waiting, and it is bright.